Cycle Jerks

We’ve been tagged, so it goes…
The blogger Fat Cyclist created a chain letter of sorts, reminiscent of the childhood variety, but this time about something we all can agree upon and enjoy: Bikes! He then tagged a list of other bicycle bloggers, one of which was Bike Snob who tagged TrackosaurusRex (who will happen upon some uncertain misfortune in the next 24 hours) and Cycling Weapon of Mass Destruction. CyclingWMD then tagged Hipster Nascar, and finally Hipster Nascar tagged Dispatch101, The Tour De Chris and yours truly, Cycle Jerks. I feel like I’m in some sort of hipster blog popularity contest. We’re only four levels down, not bad I guess. But how many bicycle blogs are out there really?!

ANYWHO! Since Cycle Jerks is both Justin and myself, Jen, I only find it fair that we both do the answering. Both of our names start with a “J”, so I will just refer to us as either “Boy” or “Girl”. Get it? Good.

ACTION!
Fat Cyclist: If you could have any one — and only one — bike in the world, what would it be?

Boy: Custom Primus Mootry aluminum track bike.

Girl: Independent Fabrication’s Crown Jewel, Dura-ace’d out.

FC: Do you already have that coveted dream bike? If so, is it everything you hoped it would be? If not, are you working toward getting it? If you’re not working toward getting it, why not?

B: Yes, but I’d like a better fork.

G: Have it! But the top tube’s still too long (wicked Craigslist buy) and I want the hot new shit- the 7900 series! I hear it has shorter reach brakes which would be perfect for my micro hands. Oh and I want braze-ons for racks for touring expeditions! I think that’s it.

FC: If you had to choose one — and only one — bike route to do every day for the rest of your life, what would it be, and why?

B: I’ll ride the route to the bar.

G: Tough question! Maybe the Bear Creek trail south of Denver, not very busy and suuuuuper pretty. I’m sure there’s a better one that I havn’t explored yet.

FC: What kind of sick person would force another person to ride one and only one bike ride to do for the rest of her / his life?

G: Who would really listen to that sick fuck anyway?

FC: Do you ride both road and mountain bikes? If both, which do you prefer and why? If only one or the other, why are you so narrow-minded?

B: No. I ride track bikes.

G: Never ridden a mountain bike. I’ve heard it’s fun when you’re actually in the mountains. I would love to buy one but money don’t grow on trees.

FC: Have you ever ridden a recumbent? If so, why? If not, describe the circumstances under which you would ride a recumbent.

B: No. I wouldn’t.

G: Have not. Ride a Lay-z-boy? Fuck yeah I’d do it! I got smoked by one the other day, dude has a trillion gears on that thing. Seriously, we’ve talked to him.

FC: Have you ever raced a triathlon? If so, have you also ever tried strangling yourself with dental floss?

B: Never.

G: I’d rather take option B, thank you.

FC: Suppose you were forced to either give up ice cream or bicycles for the rest of your life. Which would you give up, and why?

B: Ice cream, I don’t really eat it that much. Plus riding bikes is so much better.

G: I’ve already given up ice cream- IN YOUR FACE! Now, if you asked me to give up vegan cupcakes, that would be a tough one.

FC: What is a question you think this questionnaire should have asked, but has not? Also, answer it.

G: Q: Why do people always ask “How many miles do you ride in a day?”
A: The lazy fuck wants to see if the drive from their boring house to their boring job is actually something a body can endure on a bicycle. And it can.

FC: You’re riding your bike in the wilderness (if you’re a roadie, you’re on a road, but otherwise the surroundings are quite wilderness-like) and you see a bear. The bear sees you. What do you do?

B: Stop and wait for it to leave. You can’t outrun a bear.

G: Let Justin save me.

FC: Now, tag three biking bloggers. List them below.
-The raddest racing report/messenger blog, Chicago Cuttin’ Crew
-The OG bike blogger, Michael Green
-The best bicycle magazine blog, Urban Velo

Come out to Old Curtis St. (corner of 21st St. and Curtis) for a benefit show for Eric “Erk” Epling’s accumulating hospital bills. The door is a minimum $5 donation, all of which will go to Eric. The eclectic line up for the night is Sleeper Horse, The Legendary River Drifters, and Wetlands. Show starts at 8:30, come show your support, whether you know him or not it’s going to be a rad show! I hear Loops is ending their ride there, too.

This is Eric.

Note the change of meeting location!

“If anything good is going to come out of the current fixed-gear customization fad, it’s going to be that more and more people are going to learn how to build their own bikes to suit their riding styles, and consequently bicycles will become more neatly integrated into their lives.”

-BikeSnob. Excerpt from a rant about the abundant ignorance of bicycle mechanics in fixed gear culture.

Do your self a favor, do the research.

Oh and I just finished reading those comments from the aforementioned rant…
“If you ever want to lose faith in humanity, read any comments section on the internet.”

- New York Times commenter

“I used to skate.” Yeah, yeah, yeah, we all did, asshole.

FM Magazine, Track Attack and Emage Skate Shop have put their heads together to bring us SkateBike, a fixed gear/skate board mash-up. Show up this Saturday, July 26th at 2pm to race, 3pm to party at 16th and Platte. The race is $5 ($7 for both), but Trackstand Twister and PBR Pickup are free. It’s also free to watch and there will be a lot of booze and foodz.

Details of the race? Racers will be given a manifest that must be signed at each of the following checkpoints. These points can be completed in any order.

Start: 1620 Platte St. (Emage Skate Shop)

Checkpoints:
-32nd and Speer (on the corner)
-23rd and Federal (on the corner)
-70 Broadway #150 (inside Speakeasy Clothing)

Finish: 1620 Platte St. (Emage Skate Shop)

Prizes for top 3 riders, hugs for everyone else.
P.S. I Google mapped it, it’s about 10 miles. Do your homework.

There will be a few tents up, too. Denver’s newest bicycle shop The Track Shack (website coming soon) will have one, selling a sick Pinarello track frame, the famed Sam Turner’s t-shirts, leather lock belts and double toe straps, and will provide on the spot wheel truing. Justin and I will also have one with a tv playing Cycle Jerks videos, Cycle Jerks hats and shirts for sale, and some free shit.